Finding Harmony Read online

  “I know it wasn’t easy for you either, Harmony, what with Juliet and all…”

  I’d never really spoken about Juliet to anyone, but right now, with Freddy, I felt like I could open up for the first time.

  “You know what’s funny? When she died, some deluded little part of me thought he’d call… I honestly thought that despite our loss of contact, he’d get in touch… Juliet was all I had; she was my sister, my soul mate, my best friend… I’d lost everything and in my hour of need he didn’t prevail… I don’t know Freddy; it was like that was the straw that broke the camel’s back…”

  “He wanted to talk you… you need to know that when he heard about her death, he immediately started talking about getting a plane out to L.A so that he could be with you”.

  “So why didn’t he?”

  “He was a mess, and you were grieving… he didn’t know how you’d react to him turning up on your doorstep during such a tragedy… he wasn’t sure if you were dating anyone or if you even needed help… more importantly he was scared, he didn’t know what to say to you… after he rethought everything he decided it would be better for you if he kept out of your life…”

  The look on my face must tell him everything he needs to know and, to be honest; I don’t feel like sharing any of the gory details about the aftermath of Julie's death with him, he’s probably read it all in a gossip magazine anyway.

  “So… how did you end up in New York, that’s a bit random isn’t it?”

  “Haha, yeah just a bit… well we always loved New York, we still have a place in Germany but we just needed to get away for a bit… plus the women here are pretty tasty”

  I just laugh and roll my eyes at that last part; I loved Freddy’s ability to lighten the mood.

  We’d spent the best part of the afternoon in the coffee house. Some of the conversation was interesting and some of it was probably better left unheard.

  We walk home slowly, taking our time as we maneuver our way past the crowds. It was freezing outside, frost lining the edges of the sidewalk. Very fitting for this time of year; it was the end of November, the 29th to be precise. The lead up to Christmas was my favorite time of the year, it was stressful, but generally everyone seemed to be in a jolly mood and the children were always so excited. It was magical, especially in New York.

  We finally reach our apartment block and Freddy walks me to my door, I suppose he had to walk past it anyway.

  “Well, thanks for your company; hopefully we’ll do it again some time?”

  “Yeah, sure, I really enjoyed catching up with you again, Harmony, it was a nice way to spend the afternoon”.

  I smile at him and he starts to walk down the hall but then stops and comes back to me.

  “Oh, and I meant to say congratulations on your engagement…”

  My face should’ve lit up at that comment but I couldn’t force a smile, I couldn’t lie to Freddy, I wasn’t overjoyed at my engagement and the tone of Freddy’s voice and the expression on his face tells me he’s all too aware of my feelings towards it. I’d accepted Leo’s proposal for all the wrong reasons, we’d have to have a proper talk about it later, but my ability to procrastinate could get in the way.

  “Yeah, well I wouldn’t rush to buy your hat any time soon…”

  He gives me a half smile, suggesting his belief in me to do the right thing… I wasn’t so sure.

  “Freddy, can I ask you something, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to..?”

  “Ok, what is it?”

  “Uhm… what’s the deal with Miranda?”

  His face twists up at my question, it had clearly made him uncomfortable but he proceeds to answer me.

  “It’s a little complicated… I know you and Trey have issues and I really hope you can work through them together, but please, promise me you won’t get involved with Miranda? She’s bad news, Harmony, no matter how much you try to fight it, I know you still care about Trey, but don’t get involved with him at the risk of getting involved with her…”

  With that said, he gives me a gentle hug then heads back home.

  It sounded like a warning, I didn’t get a good vibe from her but what had Miranda done that made her such a bad person, even Freddy seemed a little wary of her?

  I’d never been as utterly confused in my entire life as I was now. Everything felt like riddles, I couldn’t work anything out; nothing seemed to make sense any more…

  If Miranda was so dangerous, why was Trey with her?

  Trey had killed a part of me that I thought was impossible for anyone to get to. A place in my heart I never thought I’d surrender. But I gave in. I weakened myself with one stare into those velvet eyes. Those eyes that used to look only at me are now looking at Miranda. I’ve lost the only bit of heart I had left. Now I can truly say I’ve lost everything.

  It was a dangerous position to be in. I still loved Trey, I still wanted to fight for him and, despite Freddy’s warning, I had nothing left to lose, what could this Miranda possibly do to me that was any worse than what I’d already been through?

  Why is it that every time you pluck up the courage to actually turn your life around, every time you decide upon a suitable course of action, every time you’re all geared up and ready to go after what you want, fate deals you a wicked blow and sends you straight back to the start again?

  I’d hit a brick wall. I hated that brick wall.

  Freddy had informed me that he and Trey were going back to Germany to visit their family and he didn’t really know how long for, it could be anything from a couple of days to a couple of weeks, hell they might not even come back all together. So as it stood on my whole ‘pursue my true love’ ordeal, I couldn’t really make any further advances when the man in question wasn’t even in the country.

  But at least I could still get the whole engagement thing with Leo out of the way, right?

  Wrong.

  Fate had decided that the jury was out on that one as well. Leo had gone to L.A to work on some more material in the studio with some new upcoming band. The duration of his stay there would depend very much upon how much work he got done. He was likely to be home before Christmas but that was no good either, the whole dumping your fiancé right before Christmas was a little too cold hearted, even for me.

  So as it stood, it was the run up to Christmas and I was all by myself with only my thoughts for company. That wasn’t a good thing. The more time I had to myself, the more time I had to reevaluate everything. That very likely meant there was a good chance I’d chicken out of following my heart and do the more rational thing, which was stay with Leo and act like nothing had ever happened…

  No, I couldn’t talk myself out of pursuing Trey. I’d just have to sit tight and keep myself occupied as I waited for them all to come back home. For the first time in my life, I genuinely didn’t know what was going to be in store for me next. This whole thing could blow up in my face and then where would I be?

  I’d love to sit down and have a chat with a psychologist, they’d have a field day trying to work out was going on in my head.

  If one thing was for certain, this Christmas was going to be one to remember.

  Chapter Five

  As horrible as it sounds, I was a little disappointed when Leo was the first one home. I was kind of hoping that if Trey got home first, then I could talk with him and get everything straightened out a little before Leo got back. But alas, that wasn’t to be.

  Like so many times before, I put off confronting the issue that was at the forefront of my mind, every minute of every day. I may not have loved Leo the way I loved Trey but I did still love him. I was still attracted to him; he still did it for me. And so I neglected the idea of leaving him, for now anyway and just concentrated on playing happy families and making sure we both had a good Christmas together.

  Then it happened. The very thing that I didn’t want to happen happened.

  For the first time in the duration of our relationship, Leo and I act
ually started functioning like a normal, proper couple. With Trey out of the picture, for the time being, Leo and I inadvertently managed to get ourselves back on track, not that Leo ever knew we were off track but the point still stands.

  We started doing the things that normal couples do, for once he wasn’t comforting me and I wasn’t depending on him for everything, we became equal components. We went and did our Christmas shopping together, we put up decorations in both our apartments, we took photos and posted them on Facebook, we laughed together, made love underneath the fairy lights and he practically moved in with me.

  The past few years had been a complete mess, but right now I wasn’t focused on my haunting past, I was looking to the future. The last couple of days I’d spent with Leo since he got back from L.A gave me a real sense of what my future could be like. Leo and I could actually be husband and wife, his career could take off and perhaps I could go back to making movies. We could have a beautiful home together, and one day, we might even have children.

  The prospect of this bright and glowing future excited me. It was so far from the dark and depressing world I’d been living in now for what felt like eternity.

  Suddenly the tables had turned, once again. I went from having nothing to lose by going after Trey to having everything to lose by going after him. Trey’s demons were seeded deep within him. He was riddled with problems that wouldn’t just evaporate because I’d gotten back together with him. Something told me I didn’t know the full extent of how plagued with problems Trey was. There was no guarantee that if I went back to Trey, everything would work out. There was no guarantee he could offer me the rosy future that Leo could. I loved Trey but was I willing to sacrifice my shot at a painless carefree future for him?

  I’d already been through so much. All I wanted was to be happy again, I didn’t want any more hurt or pain in my life. I don’t think I could handle any more. What if Leo was my last chance at happiness? What if he was my last shot at life again? Could I really afford to risk losing that?

  Just when I thought I had it all figured out, I had a lot more thinking to do before I made any final decisions.

  I’m awoken crudely to the sound of sleigh bells and Mariah Carey belting out ‘all I want for Christmas is you’ from the stereo in the living room.

  I hate Mariah.

  I roll over and look at the clock: 7:00am.

  Forget this, I’m going back to sleep. I pull the cozy covers up over my head and nestle into a comfy position, ready to drift back off to sleep again.

  It’s no good; the ridiculous tones of Mariah’s voice are joined by the even more appalling ones of Leo’s as he tries to imitate her.

  I can hear him shuffling around as he enters the bedroom. It’s all quiet and then the great big lug pounces on me like a child.

  “Leo!”

  “What?”

  “I’m trying to sleep”.

  I poke my head out from underneath the covers, faking an exaggerated frown.

  “But its Christmas Eve, Santa’s nearly here!”

  “You know what? You’re worse than a child”.

  He simply smirks back at me as though it was a compliment and then scoops me up into his arms, bed sheets and all.

  “C’mon, I’ve got something to show you”.

  Still clutching me and the mass of white sheets in his hands, he lifts me off the bed and carries me out of the bedroom and over to the balcony doors.

  “What? We’re not going outside, Leo, its freezing and you’re not even wearing any clothes!”

  “Aww so what?”

  He gently kicks the doors open and whisks me out on to the biting cold balcony.

  I go to start complaining but the sight from out here leaves me speechless.

  “Now would you look at that, beautiful isn’t it?”

  The whole city is covered in pure white snow. It really was beautiful. There was something so magical about this setting; it was a scene that belonged in the movies, or at least in one of those snow globes. And on Christmas Eve as well, it was perfect, absolutely perfect.

  We stand out there for a while longer, gawking at the beauty of the pure New York snow until eventually we have to come rushing back inside to sit by the fire through fear of catching frost bite.

  We spend Christmas Eve morning the way I think everyone should spend it. Instead of rushing around the shops for last minute gifts we lay by the fire and watch all the good old movies on TV.

  Leo’s sitting on the floor propped up against the sofa with one arm casually draped around my shoulders. We’re both still in our underwear, only the soft blanket around us and the gentle fire keeping us warm.

  I’m not really paying attention to the film we’re watching, I’m too intoxicated by Leo's sweet yet musky scent and the oaky smell from the burning fire. I was genuinely happy. An emotion I hadn’t felt in a long time.

  “Oh, I meant to tell you, I got talking to your neighbor yesterday, Freddy Frett, him and his brother just got back from Germany, didn’t sound like they had anything spectacular planned for Christmas so I invited them around for a few drinks this evening, I hope you don’t mind?”

  “Huh?”

  Please let him be joking, just the four of us in one room together, that would be major awkward.

  “Well, Freddy was at your birthday party and we got talking, he’s a really cool guy, I mean I heard his brother’s a bit messed up but how bad could he be?”

  I was trying as hard as I could to keep my emotions under wraps but something on my face must have given me away. Leo’s eyes narrow in to that annoying questioning look, indicating he knows something’s up.

  “Have you hung out with them before?”

  “Well um… yeah sort of…”

  He raises his eyebrow and I cave in. I can’t lie to him; I think it’s about time he knew the relationship between me and my neighbors.

  “Well, you see it’s a funny story really, I’m sure you’ll laugh, eh me and Trey used to date… haha”.

  I couldn’t control the nervous laughter. Leo’s eyebrows pull up and he looks in a state of complete shock. Oh God, I should’ve kept my mouth shut.

  “You… you used to date Trey Frett?”

  “Yeah, I mean it was a long time ag-”

  “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  “Because I didn’t want to make a fuss over it, it’s not a big deal”.

  “If it’s not a big deal, Harmony, then why didn’t you tell me?”

  My delay to answer him seems to confirm to some silent question he had and he gets up and makes his way to the bedroom.

  I follow him nervously, his voice was so calm. I wasn’t entirely sure how he was reacting. He hasn’t said anything else; instead he goes around the bedroom putting things into a bag before slipping his clothes on.

  That can’t be a good sign.

  “Leo… what are you doing?”

  “What does it look like I’m doing…?”

  “What? Please Leo don’t do this”.

  He gathers his things from the bedroom and brushes past me as he grabs his coat from the hallway.

  “I knew it. I knew something was going on”.

  “What? What are you talking about, Leo?”

  “You and him!”

  He’s no longer cool, calm and collected. His voice is ragged; he’s clearly pieced the whole thing together.

  “At your birthday party, the way the two of you looked at each other… I tried to convince myself I was just imagining things, but now this! Oh it all makes sense now!”

  He angrily stomps towards the door, flinging it open and darting out into the hall. This wasn’t supposed to happen, what have I done?

  I chase after him, dropping the blanket and my dignity as I go, I don’t care who sees me, I can’t let him leave.

  “Leo nothing’s going on!”

  Our voices are raised, we’re both shouting at each other. God knows what the neighbors must think.

  I grab his arm as
tightly as I can to try and stop him.

  “Leo, nothings going on between us, please don’t do this, you’re overreacting!”

  He spins around instantly, my words sending him over the edge; he rams me up against the wall causing a loud screech to escape from my mouth at the pain of the collision, his hand firmly placed around my throat.

  The tears flood down from my eyes onto his hand and I can feel him start to shake a little.